So F*in Scared

So back to this again. I'm here, like I was a year ago. Do I leap? Do I dare trying to recover? Unfortunantly, I'm not skinny like I was then.

I'm so afraid of weight gain, so afraid. I like being skinny; I love it. I love being able to feel my bones, I love it and I hate the disgusting feeling on fat on my body. But I'm so tired of it.

I did bad this weekend; it's so funny how some of us describe it as "bad" but that's how it was. It was my bday friday and I had an apple then Olive Garden like 12 hours later. And then cake. And the past 3 days, I've had cake, as well as a cake purge yesterday. And the scale hasn't been falling, so i'm still fucking obese, and nothing's happening, and i'm killing myself. Right after Easter, when I had quite a bit of food mind you, I was like 113. Now I'm up a pound or two, which it jumped to around two days after easter, and I'm still running and restricting, but this chew/spit habit has to stop. I think I'm probably getting way too many calories from it, cause it's spiralling out of control.

I kinda want to start upping. I know I'm taking in more than 500-600, b/c of the chew spitting, but I want to up my calories to around 800, and eliminate the chew/spitting. It's really become problematic.

My period was due this past week. So I'm late. Which, gives me a little hope, but a little chagrin. If it doesn't come, then there is no water weight due to the period, I'm just fat and have gained 2 pounds. If it does come, I can say it's water weight, but will really have to wait and see til after. Who the hell gains period weight like, 2 weeks before their period?

God dammit to hell. I've got to get this Disney internship thing I applied for; I really see it as a new beginning. I can go down there, and be happy and be away from the family and maybe, through it all, get better, because I'll be happy. God, I just want to be happy. Bah to HELL!!!!!

Jen
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    frustrated frustrated

The OC is officially the best show ever....

okay, well maybe not. Friends is the best show ever. But I just...I'm unBELIEVABLY excited right now.

That scene at the end with Summer and Seth...as soon as he fell off the roof I called it, but yeah. It was still great to see it. I was freaking out the last 15 minutes of the episode. So great.

Just had to get that off my chest, along with this huge girly EEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

Jen

cross posted to __ednos

a panera bread serving of french bread is 2 oz, and is 130 calories and all I've had today is about half a baguette from there, plus a small serving of salad (lettuce and ff italian) and some celery...so I think I'm doing okay...I just can't figure out how many oz are in a baguette. Anybody? Cause it was really long, but at the same time, it was pretty thin. I dunno. It's so good, though, their bread and the girl that was there was like "oh it's being discontinued..." I about died. I really hope not. Anybody just eat bread? It's just so nummy....lol. I'm so not a "good" eating disordered persons sometimes...but I don't care...I figure if all I eat is bread...yeah...I think...HOPE...I'll be okay...and we're not going to the gym today, meaning my mom and I...something came up so I think I'm just gonna do some TaeBo...I calculate it on caloriesperhour.com and I'll burn more doing that than if I went and did an hour and 20 minutes of my weight class/run...a lot more...so yeah...I dunno...oh well. Done I guess.

Your thoughts?

I know most everyone here has read, or at least heard about Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted". There's a part in there that always makes me think. It's when she's talking about staying up all night, never sleeping. And it got me thinking...

If you were to stay up for a really long time, like longer than 24 hours, wouldn't you burn more calories than if you were up for like, 15 and then slept 9?

Thoughts? Ideas? Cause I woke up today at about 8 am, and have to be at work in about...oh, 6 hours. I was thinking i'd try and go straight through. I've only had about 900 cals in this stretch (8am-now) so yeah...good times...

Anyway. Thoughts? Ideas?

(no subject)

So last month, I had my period naturally for the first time in about a year and a half, so I should be getting it again in the next day or so...anyway...

A couple of days ago I was around 117, 118 in the morning and a day after that, I stepped on the scale and it said 122, 123. WTF?!?!

I'm confused. However, I was having MASSIVE cramps and all, so I think it's probably water weight and what not. Because I don't see how I could have gained 5 or six pounds in a week eating 1200 calories or less, especially since I've been purging as well. Grrr....

Anyone else have this problem? I seriously think I have a thyroid problem, because last year I was eating 1100-1200 cals a day, not exercising and losing hella weight and inches....I'm just so confused. I know it takes 3500 cals to gain/lose a pound but this is seriously making me want to kill myself...I hate this body and I hate knowing I had something great and that I fucked it up and lost it....i was so beautiful at this time last year and now it's all gone...*cries* All gone.....

I was supposed to be 113-115 by thanksgiving. With my body outta whack, I don't know it I can do it....
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    depressed depressed

Hi =D

I'm Jen.

CW: 116
LW: 104
HW: 140

GOD! Seeing the number and knowing what I had and how I lost it...upsetting...

I weighed myself the other day and it was 116...today, I stepped on the scale and it was almost 121...but I don't want to believe it, because I have not been eating over 1100 calories, so how in the HELL could I gain 5 pounds in a matter of like 3 days????? Water weight, I say...

PLus, does purging add water weight? Everyday for the past 3 weeks, I've been purging. One day was a B&P day, but other than that, I've just been throwing up after normal eating. But I've been drinking a LOT of diet soda, so I've heard that along with purging will make you do that.

Someone? I just want to get down to 110 again...I just want to be amazingly awesome again...

I want to get down to a solid 113 by Thanksgiving...I just hope I can....
  • Current Mood
    crappy crappy

SO....

The last time I posted was forever ago, but I've gained weight since then. I lost my head, my drive and thought I could gain weight and still be fine. I can't be this big though. I can't. I can't stand people telling me I look healthy and great. My mom said that it's nice cause my eyes aren't sunken into my head anymore, but you know whats sick? I loved that. That was the best part, seeing all the bones everywhere. I loved it, I really did and now I know that. I want to be angular. I hate these curves and I'm just about ready to rip them off.

I'm watching True Life: I'm Obese on MTV. I hate gastric bypass surgery. It gives people permission, almost, to get to this HUGE state and they can just get this and they'll lose weight. I hate it. It's so fucking ridiculous.

I can feel myself slipping back into my old ways a whole lot easier than I expected. I realized last night, as I chew and spat out a bunch of cookies and hershey's kisses, that I felt actually right. It's weird to feel so right doing something so wrong.